1) You have to figure out what that lawn treatment is between “spring-seeding” and “winterizing”, purchase it, and tell your friends you can't watch their dog because you're dedicating a Saturday to spreading it on your lawn....even though it only takes like, an hour to do.
2) Although you could have been enjoying the rewards of the work it takes to complete all summer, you are finally getting off your fat ass and paint the deck. It’s been too hot to do it anyway….and it should be a nice fall. Right? Sure. Kinda. But you're still lazy.
3) You’re emailing your friends to find out what their labor day plans are, trying to decide who’s grill you will have a passive-aggressive death-match over controlling, (Jimbo…I think your baby needs a diaper change…I’ll take over for you) while avoiding the cleanup/expense that you’re wife doesn’t want to deal with by actually having the barbecue at your place. I mean it can’t be at your place…..you just put down that lawn treatment and there’s fresh paint on your deck.
4) You come home from the store with the wrong kind of cheese, “salted” instead of “unsalted” butter, you completely forgot the Hellman’s light Mayo, (“that’s not what the recipe called for! You’re sabotaging my P90X!”) and exacerbate the issue by unsuccessfully hiding three fantasy football magazines totaling $27 that you don't have in your budget on the bottom of the grocery bag. (“But honey…it’s not an expense if I win!”) My advice….pay for them separately so they’re not on the same receipt, and leave them in the car until there is a time where you can safely shuttle them from under your passenger seat directly to the bathroom.
There’s a lot of words there, and for those of you that are skipping them all and going straight to the predictions, I will pity you for missing my hilarious commentary, and underline my point in capitalized/bold/italicized/underlined words so you still pause long enough to hear me;
IT’S TIME TO START FANTASY FOOTBALL PREPARATION.
And I want you to know something about this season right now; I’m going to beat you.
How can I be so certain? Because I’m that guy. I’m that guy that always wins your leagues. You’ve tried to make rules to stop me, like moving to a FAAB system, and no waiver pick-ups except for Tuesday’s from 8pm-10pm. But you can’t. And you won’t. You have a major handicap that I don’t have to deal with. I'm not talking about the way your junk curves to the left. I'm talking about the fact that you lead a normal, responsibility driven life. However....I don't. I am that guy in your league with an easy/no job, no kids, and "things to do" list that consists of walking to the convenience store to get more SOLO cups for beer pong, and restock the Dorito shelf. Hell.....I HAVE a Dorito shelf! I have no lawn, no deck, and even though I never vacuum, straighten up, wash dishes, or do any other kind of woman’s work, my friends are over every weekend to play flip-cup and Madden even though it’s completely not appropriate for guys our age anymore. I’m that guy that has time to actually READ the fantasy magazines he buys, pour over injury reports and roster trends, and wakes up on Monday morning at 5:30am (even though I don’t have to) to make sure I get first grab on the waiver pick ups. I’m the guy that watches football in sports bars with a laptop in front of him, with my extremely bored and out-of-my-league-hot girlfriend in a pink Patriots cap that’s frustrated by the fact that even though she joined one of my four leagues this year, it hasn’t brought us closer together.
I’m that guy that has SERIOUS issues with prioritization of life matters, which like all great NFL coaches/GM’s, leads to divorce, ill-health, an inability to interact with anyone outside my sport, and most importantly to me….and now you…..championship teams.
Here is why my regular demonstrations of poor judgment in anything not fantasy related are important to you; I am imparting my well researched findings to the masses. I am giving you one stop shopping to help you win your league. I am stating my opinions with certainty. What I am giving you are waiver wire pickups that will help you plug your weakest position/injury/unprepared for bye-week. Basic catch and release guys that should only be on your roster for a total of seven days. I will also provide you with starters that you may really, really, really want to consider benching. Not just a down week, but guys that will produce next to nothing. Occasionally I will provide guys you want to sell high on, and guys that are about to see a value spike for trade purposes.
Here’s what I will not tell you; I will not tell you to bench Jarvis Best "if you have an acceptable alternative" even though he’s had 3 straight 100 yard weeks because he’s got a tough match-up against the Vikings. Conversely I won’t tell you that AP (and if you don’t know who I mean by AP, stop reading, go to CBS, and start reading up on the fantasy 101 bullshit they provide) because he’s got a great matchup against Detroit. Because if you're any kind of legit fantasy contender, your thoughts behind this kind of IQ over 70 insight should be "No shit." I have too much respect for you to give you that useless time wasting “advice.” I will also not make wishy-washy statements like “if you have a decent alternative, you may want to consider blah-fucking-blah.” If you have a guy that’s going to suck, you bench him and find someone better. I have no patience for your man crushes, gut-feelings, player loyalties, and “better to lose with your best players” mentality. Get some balls, and pull the trigger.
I will advise you to start your flake. Bench the waiver-wire wonder that you picked up in week 2 and has carried your team for six weeks. Make the trade even though you’re not “certain” you’re getting the better end of it. If you make a bad trade, make another one to fix it. Overall…….do what it takes to win, and then leave the consequences for others. Just make sure you do it with my advice. It's called a "calculated risk" for a reason. Except I will calculate. You will risk.
Essentially, I will be the equivalent father figure that is sick of hearing the slapping sound your pimply faced ass makes as you use up all the Jergen’s while you spend 40 minutes in the bathroom, and takes you to a proper, STD tested Vegas prostitute at the age of 14, simply stating that you should try to follow her hips, and your pre-negotiated safety word is “Gelato.” Get ready to leave your fantasy puberty behind……you’re about to become a man.
Lastly, in this long winded introduction I will state that I have a tendency to put “parenthesized” statements in the middle sentences. These are tough to read. I also misuse punctuation, use pauses(a.k.a. ….’s) and generally write like it sounds in my head. AND I don’t recycle. (I have no kids to deal with the mess I leave behind. F the earth.) I do not apologize. You’re reading this for the information, not the grammar. Get over yourself, and your feelings on professionalism. So please, no complaints when I don’t hyphenate words like “if you feel the need to correct my spelling, you are a f-tard” or unnecessarily over-hyphenate when I say things like “if-you-don’t-like-my-grammar-eat-poop.”
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